Re-verse

We sit miles apart, the sky is splitting
Shame is rising, regrets cold and stifling

Vision is fading, memories resurfacing
Stitches torn open, windows letting it all in

The door is closed, but your key still twisting
My back is turned but your eyes I feel them watching

Reruns and episodes constantly playing
The sounds of your messages coming

The sound of your voice beautifully haunting
Echoes of your smile they’re fire to my soul

Your touch I’m wanting, chasing away my fears
Your kiss is searing, eternal, stirring

You in my bed, silent and lilting
Breathing, caressing, opening

We were one, inseparable, undaunted
Your whisper, my kiss, our love

No more, it’s aching, thinking
No longer I, but he, free me

I can still hear your heart
Surrounding me, I keep listening

Yet I keep moving and walking
You will find me, always, darling

Il Silenzio

And there you were.

I closed my eyes to end another dreary day. Letting the darkness lull me to sleep. Allowing the vast silence of the night to calm my very being.

Until I saw myself. There, sitting and enjoying the music. Boisterous laughter and cheer surrounded me. The orange glow of the park’s lights matching only the sway of the leaves as I sang along to the tune of the band.

Distant but present were friendly faces. Smiling and singing along.

And as clear as it all was, there you were. Sitting next to me. Radiant and striking.

Your voice drowning out the music and laughter. Your voice crashing into my soul like the waves kiss the shores of rough sand. Powerful yet strangely beautiful.

Your eyes looking deep into me. Exposing the very crevices where I hide from others. I am naked once more before you. Vulnerable. Open.

And so we exchange stories. Of who was, what was, what we hoped for. Of things we once knew and still know. All swept aside but not lost in the moment.

That smile. That laugh. My favorite song. In my mind, running in my veins. Which I would play over and over again. Never growing weary of it.

Then we got closer… Voices down to a whisper. Your face close to me. The tone has changed.

Mellow. Sad. Never needed to be said and yet understood.

Your scent cutting me once more, letting me bleed. And I allow it.

I take it all in. I inhale and close my eyes. I manage a smile. A smile from the very depths of me. Broken and torn. A smile nonetheless.

A gentle breeze blows through us, and a silence emerges. There we were just close once again.

Close together but silent. A silence that made the angels weep. A silence that even the demons admired.

Then my eyes opened. Where are you now?
Silence.

Now, exist

Hello, dear friend of mine,

It has been awhile, hasn’t it? Been quite some time. Time. Is either a friend or foe. Funny. Fiend. Does it really heal? Or do you just get used to it?

But what if, through divine will, you never heal? What then? You do well to forgive and love. That is the divine will.

You don’t, because you found all the reasons to exist.

The longing in you, that emptiness inside, was filled. You were made complete. The source of all the joy you could ever want, was yours. No more strange hollowness inside.

It transcends all your notion and understanding of what you thought was the truth. It confounds you. It leaves you wondering at this strange beauty.

Learn, darling. Whatever happened, learn. Even if it defeats all that you believed in, learn.

Go through the fire and burn. Let it hurt and scar you. Feel alive yet?

If, in that person, you find all reason to exist, I shake your hand. That is love in its purest form. That in spite of all the hurt and negativity, you still choose to forgive, and love the person… That’s it.

Don’t let go. Love.

For tomorrow

beautiful us

Perhaps it is one of the most tragic parts of life. Maybe even more so than we think.

To still want someone after it all. To feel so deeply for someone who never felt the same for you.

That it has become such a one sided affair. Absurd and unfair.

To rewind and want everything back. To be such an emotional mess because of a song that reminds you of what was. And know will never be again.

Accepting what was and is seem to be the only answer. Try to explain. You can’t.

Can’t go back. Foolish as it seems because we all want to. The cruel irony. The cruel twist of fate.

To feel so much so deeply for someone. When words just seem to fall short despite of months of stories.

We would all go back and do it all over again. Don’t lie. It’s alright. I would.

The game has been played. Lies told. True motives revealed. For reasons we can’t explain, we still feel the same way.

Do they? No, I doubt it. But it’s alright. We didn’t lose them. They lost us.

Because we still feel the same way. They live on in us. We still own that piece. Better to own a piece if you can’t have the whole.

They, however, let go. They no longer have us. We’ll never know for sure.

Tragic. Perplexing how the human heart works. Amazing how strong love is.

Hold on to that part of them you still have, will you? Don’t let go. No matter how much it hurts. Just hold on, beloved. Love from afar.

We’re all tired. But the show must go on. The game continues. Keep breathing.

You’ll be alright, love. As we all will be.

It’s alright to cry. To sing, to talk to others about it. The strange thing there is that because of our brokenness, we find friendship and… love. Curious, isn’t it?

Thank them. For that one period in your life they were yours. Thank them. It doesn’t matter if you were lied to, betrayed, used, played… You learned something. And you LOVED. And I think you still do.

Now, do me a favor. Love yourself. Yes, it’s difficult, I know. But you must.

As I do now for myself.

Stumble, fall,  get up. It does matter. It does make a difference.

Keep on loving. Keep on missing. But keep moving forward.

This world is too small and believe me, you’ll cross paths with them sooner or later. Look around you. Chin up. Deep breathes.

I’ll be alright. You will be too. Take my hand and hold others as well. Let’s take a walk, shall we?

Jealous? Yes. Angry? Sure. Want to get drunk? Let’s do it.

Crying? Missing them? Feel stuck? Nothing wrong with that. Come now.

The stark contrast of appreciating love and the beauty of it is that we must and should get hurt. In your frailty, your vulnerable state, you realize how magnificent it is to feel such things.

I’ve got your back. I know you have mine. It’s not so bad now, right?

Saudade

within you.jpg

It took a few weeks. A few nagging, restless weeks.

I questioned myself. I doubted. I argued with myself. But I could not be a hypocrite.

And for it to come full circle, something had to give. Thoughts and prayers, decision.

There is nothing greater nor more powerful than love.

And it is also beyond our comprehension. So much so that people will call you a fool for going against what the world’s view on it is.

I let go of the anger. I let go of the bitterness and disappointment. No more.

It doesn’t mean I want another go. No. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to either. It just means I love her so much more than all those petty things I also did when I was at that age.

I understand even though it pains me. I get it. So this is my curse.

I can only hold on to the memories now. The good ones. When I felt nothing but pure joy just being with her anywhere and everywhere. It was her that gave me cause to breath.

Some are really meant to stay. You may not be with them physically anymore, but when you feel that emptiness and longing, then you know you won’t let go. Even if they did. You hold a part of them in you. Embrace it.

It was a new level of high that I reached. She gave me that. Incomparable.

And that is why it has been this way. It pains me to know that I will never have that with her again. It pains me to think of how I’ll never even come close to feeling the way I did with anyone. She was it. It is etched and seared in my mind. I will always remember.

Days come and go. I have been all sorts of things even I don’t understand. So I never expected anyone to get it either. But when the fog cleared and the dust settled, I realized that I am so much more. I am capable of loving so much more.

My mind is on automatic. It rarely plays the ugly. It always defaults back to the times that were sheer joy. That no matter what happens, I will always look for it.

It doesn’t matter to me whether she still feels something or not. What matters is I still do. What we once had, I will always want.

She gave me so much more. What I never had. What I never got from anyone. I will always miss her.

Can that which was lost ever be found again?

God knows. God’s will. Only time will tell.

Always in me. Always looking.

Always wandering. Always beating.

I’ll always want to walk with her. Always want to hold her hand and listen to her stories. Always want to hear her laughter. Hear her sing. I’ll always want to look into her eyes.

I guess I’m alright for now.

Uncertainly

why her

It started with a touch. A touch that sparked a fire. That intertwined and burned.

Engulfing and consuming, burning and melting away all fears and doubts.

Both eyes closed, both breathing in the silence of the night.

Both eyes opened, locking and looking into each other. A smile.

The dawn of a new day bringing with it the whisper of a new voice within.

Two hearts understood each other without making a sound.

The risk and the unknown were adventures both wanted to dive into.

Headlong they went. Day and night they sang a duet. A dance only for them.

To him, she was the one. She, whom all his doubts and fears, all loneliness and questions, were lost and locked away by the sound of her laughter.

To her, he seemed to be the answer. The one she was looking for that would wipe away the shadows of the past and light the way in her.

To him, she was the future. To whom he would give his life to. The vessel that he filled and overflowed with his love.

To her, he was clarity. The one who would wipe away the film of tears that covered her eyes. Who would cleanse her of the guilt of a sinner’s past.

Closer to each other. Ever closer. Even closer than was possible.

She wanted him. Only him. She let him in. Hiding nothing, baring everything.

He wanted her. Just her. He took her into his all. Nothing and everything at the same time.

Together everywhere, anywhere. No questions, no plans. Spontaneous.

No masks. Who they were, what they were. All for each other. For the other.

Up all morning and into the night. Love was found. Love was made. Love was theirs.

He loved her. She was the world to him. He held nothing back.

She loved him. He made her feel safe. But she held back.

He was sure. She was suddenly unsure. He held on. She let him hold her.

He knew the risk. She knew the risk. He took it. She tried to hold on.

He asked her to hold on. He held on inspite of her nails piercing him.

She hurt him. Over and over.

He forgave. Over and over.

She loosened her grip. Until she slipped away. Until she let go.

She floated away. He called her name. She never looked back.

He was broken. Lost.

She was out there. Lost.

He continues to call her name through the silence. Does she hear?

How much longer will he call?

Always.

 

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Thank you, Word Porn.

Isn’t that what real love is? That after all the confusion and pain, the love is still there, stronger than all the other temporary mishaps.

It has come to this. I refuse to hold on to anger and bitterness. No more resentment. I am no hypocrite. I have done all those things myself. And more. Worse things.

Sure, the hurt is still there, but…

I forgive. You and everyone. I follow the Man who died on the cross.

Love. Covers all offenses, is patient and kind, always ready to forgive, to excuse, to endure.

And that’s exactly it. You to me, in this heart that will never die.

You made me so happy. Out of this world, ridiculously happy. And I have never been made to feel that way. You found that hidden spot in me that I never even knew existed.

You broke the status quo of everything I believed in. I found myself questioning and doubting all that I believed in. I found myself feeling things I didn’t know was possible. I felt home with your very presence.

Your voice was my favorite source of music.

Your hair my favorite scent.

Your smile my favorite drug.

Your eyes my only escape from the world.

Your skin my favorite sensation.

Your fingers my delicate chains that bound me.

So now to learn to live without you. It’s been months but I don’t think I’ve really made any progress. I don’t mind really. I know now what it means to truly love someone with all your heart and soul. Because you tore them from me.

Sure, we made a grand mess. But messes are meant to be wiped clean. And if there’s something else I’ve learned, it’s that love has and will always come out the victor. Cliche as that sounds, it’s true. Although it seems like it’s only me who feels that way.

But you. Lovely mess that you are, stop gallivanting after temporary pleasures.

Don’t end up going back to your old ways and hurting yourself all over again.

I don’t want you to. You deserve more than that.

And you will always find shelter in me.

We lived, we loved, we learned.

I loved. I love.

That’s what I choose.