You.

They say it’s suicide. Stupid. Ridiculous. I say they’ve never known this feeling. To truly and freely give all of yourself to someone. To pour out and empty your heart for another. That in spite of all the pain, you would still choose to love that person.

In its very essence, that’s what love is. To overlook and forgive. To see the person and understand why. And though it cuts you all the time, you know that in the end you still love them . And you choose love because that’s what you both had.

I loved you. I love you.

There is no other excuse. Pieces of me are with you. And I can never take them back. Nor do I want to. Yes it hurts. Yes it is a form of self mutilation. That in me is an emptiness that only you can fill. But you will never do so again. I was totally yours. And a part of me will forever be yours. You may or may not like it, but that is the truth.

I love you.

I have never been so happy, so in love. I have never felt nor experienced such a whirlwind of emotions. A frenzy of love and pain. All of the drama, all of the hugs, the tears, the laughter. All of it. Was because of you. And you and I, we were beautiful. My life was beautiful.

You were my first thought in the morning, and the last in the evening. In my dreams, you remain my queen. And you still are. You still do. And I want it to stop. I want to stop loving and caring so much. But I can’t. You forever hold a piece of me. A part of me that I freely gave to you.

I catch myself singing our songs. Songs that remind me of you and those places we drowned with our love and laughter. I catch myself staring at those places we would frequent. I catch myself remembering and playing our memories like a movie. Everything on repeat. Then I feel my heart ripping apart. My soul in anguish. Because it’s all you.

I loved you. I love you.

I know that if you ask me to fight for you, I would and I will. That if you find yourself in trouble, all you have to do is cry out my name and I would be there. And that in itself is screwed up. If you called my name, my entire world would stop and I would look at you with so much of my broken pieces. Pieces that were once whole because of you. Pieces you don’t realize pierce and hurt me everyday.

How many times must I tell you? Have I not shown you already? It was you and I. It was beautiful. I chose to give you all of me. You chose to leave.

I loved you. I love you.